Who are you really? You’re you + a product of your family that educated you + a product of society… As you get older, you accumulate many layers. There comes a time when you ask yourself „Who am I?” You want to strip down all those layers, revealing your real ego, not the alter ones. But you’re not sure if this is the right thing to do. What if stripping to your original self makes you vulnerable, like a chick that hatches? So you prefer to continue your life, going with the flow, being multi-layered… That’s my fear also, but I want to stop and find myself. I don’t know who am I anymore. I’m not enjoying life like I used to; I need an advice, but I don’t know who can give it to me. In the end, I’ll come to my senses and begin searching my way back home…


Lately I reached an extremely high level of exhaustion … The heat is killing me; the pollution chokes me every second I take a breath of this dreadful air; I experience a feeling of an omnipresent moist, wondering if my brain has any water left… Every year it’s the same story. This year is more overwhelming because in autumn I have a very important exam, which will complete my journey in the last 10 years… I can’t believe how time flown by. I’m relieved because it’s ending, but also sad and nostalgic. A little insecure also. I always knew what I wanted to do when I grow up. Helping people was a major goal for me; the year 2007 was a turning point in my life, because I began pursuing this dream; 6 years later I was at my 50% of the journey. The last 4 years were though. You know, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…. but in my opinion, kills your neurons and leaves you zombie-like. I know I’m not the person I was a decade ago and that’s a good thing, because I grown up so much, learning to face the cruel reality: that not all people are milk and honey… more like vinegar. Some attacked me in my principles and dignity and I fought back. I blame myself for not fighting more agressively… Others attacked me and I couldn’t fight back because of some objectives reasons. That’s how frustrations are born. And they boil inside me, waiting the right person to spill upon. And I wait that moment when I will speak my mind freely…


One of my favorite songs is „February song” by Josh Groban. When I listen to his voice and lyrics, it instantly takes me back to the past. It’s a song that my present self would be singing to my past self, saying sorry for all the wrong things I did. It’s a turmoil of feelings and emotions, mainly regret and nostalgia. „Where is that old friend gone?” he asks… „And how did I ever fade into this life?”… „And I never want to let you down / Forgive me if I slip away / When all that I’ve known is lost and found / I promise you I, I’ll come back to you one day”… „Sometimes it’s hard to find the ground / ‘Cause I keep on falling as I try to get away / From this crazy world…” I could’t say more if I was face to face to my younger self. Time cannot be turned back, so I have to live my present and hope my future will be ok. Sometimes I imagine hugging my inner child and comforting him: „It’s all going to be alright, even if I made mistakes”. But there will always be a question: „What if…?”


I miss my friends being my friends… I had beautiful moments with people that now seem like strangers to me. And I think: it’s really all my fault? Did I do something wrong? Or maybe some of them were fake from the beginning, but I didn’t see that. It’s difficult for me to keep a long-distance relationship. Sometimes I get so caught up in my work or subconscious things, that I isolate myself from others. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about them. When we meet, it’s as if we last talked yesterday, not 5 months ago. And it’s ok, there’s no tension in the air. That’s a sign of true friendship. I have/had friends that were commited into friendship, but only because I was able to give them something they wanted or lacked. When the giving stopped, the friendship turn cold. It’s that really how these things work? I want to be friends with someone, without needing something from them, just to be happy in their presence. Time passed and I learned not to be dissapointed when my friends change. It’s my decision to keep them in the „Friends” category, or just „Acquaintaces”. If I don’t feel a connection with them anymore, it’s probably best to maintain some distance. Also, I learned that there are people with whom I establish a connection and really feel them close to my soul, in the same time thinking that this could have never been possible prior to the moment we met and talked. It’s fantastic when you poorly judge a book by its cover and discover a masterpiece when you start reading it. I’m thankful to God for all the people that influenced my life, inspired me, made me want to be a better person, supported me, made me laugh and cry, gave me magical moments that I locked up in my heart. They warm my soul and bring a smile on my face. True friends, I hug you and wish you all the best in the world!


My universe is crumbling right before my eyes… Like an Apocalypse, my inner world is shattering in millions of pieces and I can’t do nothing to keep it whole. I feel like I’m inside a tornado… surrounded for a second by a mortal silence, followed by the rage of the turbulent wind. I’m choking in my own thoughts and feelings, trapped in my emotions, sinking in my dark subconscious past, where all my fears want to devour my flesh… It’s like I’m not the master of my own body, being torn between my egos. Only God can help me and restore my life… I’m walking on the wrong path, leaving a trail of tears behind me, hoping to find the way back. When do I got lost? I don’t know… It really doesn’t matter anymore. I just hope God will find me again… And He will, because He loves me, I know He does…


2016 will be over soon… It was a challenging year. Joy, happiness, disappointment, anger, frustration, exhaustion, I lived them all and so much more. I discovered new things about myself and I learned to be more confident. Also I found out that my tolerance for stress and idiots is zero, I still have to work on that, not for the stupid ones, but for my own mental health. Fake people are another problem. I usually find the annoying ones much better than the fake ones, because I know what they’re thinking and the feeling of hate and disgust is mutual. The actors around me are giving me a hard time, because they pose as saviours, messing with my mind, making me give them my best feelings and positive energy, just to be so freakin’ disappointed in the end, when they show their true color: pitch black, sprayed with nothing but lies. They make me sick… Again, I think I give them too much importance, instead of focusing on beautiful people in my life.They are the ones who matter the most for me. In 2017 I choose to concentrate more on them and leave the rest behind. Thank you God for all the beautiful people in my life! I’m going to put my life back on tracks,  making sure I stay healthy, calm, relaxed and happy! I want to be happy and relaxed and for that I must make my own rules. Happy New Year 2017!


I miss the time when I was a child waiting for Santa to come. The gifts I would find the morning after made me feel special, as Santa himself dropped by my house to leave them under my beautiful Christmas tree. I believed he was there. Although I never saw him, I knew he existed, bringing joy to children. It was pure happiness. Especially one year when he brought me a panda bear I wished for so long. I saw that panda in the summer and wanted it, but I think it was very expensive. Look at me now finding that special panda bear under the tree. I wish I could find that happiness again, that pure faith, that smile and innocence. Being an adult is just wrong when you forget to be happy for all the little things in life, when you don’t believe anymore… Come back, childhood!


I think the time has come to just stop and look at myself. I need to evolve, to go on in life, after I make peace with my past. I must reinvent myself. A strong word, but not so easy to achieve. It will be a long and painful process to completely change the way I am, but it’s worth it in the end. I am not a little boy anymore, I can’t act like one, because, let’s face it, I’m not 10. World, better prepare! I’m going to transform into a freakishly amazing butterfly and leave the caterpillar behind!


How would you imagine a dialogue with yourself? With your old self, that you trying so hard to replace with a new one…

V1: Hi! Just take a seat. I would like to have a word with you…

V2: Why? Did I do something?

V1: Why the agressive tone? I just want to chat…

V2: Well, I don’t. And you kind of getting on my nerves.

V1: The problem is we can’t go on like this anymore. Why do you do all these things?! Worry so much, not sleeping at night because of all the scenarios in your head, letting others affect you all the time, listening to all their critics and insults, being depressed and unmotivated… Where are these coming from?? Why can’t you be more like me????

V2: I don’t know how to be someone else. It’s just my pattern. But who are you really?

V1: I am you, I am the older you, I am who you should grow up into… Instead, you choose to be the same little boy, bullied by others, without self-respect, underestimating your abilities every second, frightened to take a chance, living in your shell… You have to STOP now!!! Promise me, promise me!! Grow into the man you have to be and let go of your past! I forgive you! You didn’t know, so I forgive you and hug you! I will help you ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….